I want you to know precisely what “chronic illness” means. I have copied this next section word for word from The Great Bowel Movement because I couldn't have wrote it any better. It means there is no cure. There is no end. We have no choice but to deal. And when that gets too hard, we dig deeper and find strength we didn’t know we had, then we deal some more. There literally is no choice. When you think you’re out of strength, you find more. The human spirit can prove amazing.
Think of the hardest athletic event you can. A marathon? An Ironman triathlon? The Tour de France? Sailing around the world? All of these have a finish line, a limit, a time period that eventually allows you to say, “I did it, I can rest now”. Chronic illness is harder than all of those. We can’t drop out of this race. We have no coach. No one handing us a medal. We have no off season. We just. keep. fighting. You’re not used to this. You get a cold and you know it’s going to be over in 2 weeks. You feel horrible, but each day you feel a little bit better, you focus a little less on your discomfort and a little more on being normal. You have an understanding that this is going to end, like it always does. You break your leg. You can’t walk for a summer. You give up your summer activities, you can’t go swimming, you get strange tan lines. But each week, you get closer to getting out of your cast. And once you’re out, you get stronger and stronger. Forget everything you know about sickness and pain. You can’t comprehend disease with no end until you’ve lived it, and when, as a patient, this concept hits you, it hits hard.
But because of this, because we are left in this situation without an opt-out button, we become so strong. Stronger than we ever imagined, and wiser too. We don’t associate our condition with weakness (although this is real, it’s not lasting). We associate it with resilience, strength, empowerment. The innate knowledge that we have it in us to survive, and we know because we’ve faced it.
We call on the quote “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”, and understand it is truer than true, for us. Not even endurance athletes can claim this. They don’t know strength like we do, because pushing through is not an event for us- it is life. Through it all, we keep a humble sense of pride and accomplishment. We don’t get a medal or our picture in the paper, but we get a stronger sense of ourselves, and maybe even the chance to inspire the next person. And all this is something that I wouldn’t trade for anything. (www.thegreatbowelmovement.org)
My children
There is so many days that I feel guilty that my children have to endure this with me. I feel very guilty at times that I chose to have 3 beautiful children and give them the risk of developing this ugly disease. It's selfish in a way but I wouldn't change anything with them. I pray daily that they remain healthy and understand that I love them with my whole heart and that they don't just view me as a sick mommy but a beautiful, strong, fun mommy who has an ugly tummy with some scars.
I am learning to live everyday by the minute because you really never know what's next. I have an amazing purpose and drive with life that others aren't blessed with. I am a better person because if this disease. I know God has a purpose and he certainly didn't give me the easy path.
Always know that you can ask me about my Crohn's if you have questions or just don't understand. I want you to be inspired by me, to try new challenges because you never know what tomorrow brings.
I want you to continue to see the drive and passion I have around finding a cure for this invisible illness. I am optimistic that there will be one some day and confident that God gave me this for a reason.
