The unknown

Sorry I have not kept up on writing this. It's my ultimate goal to do this weekly and to become one of those bloggers that other people read it especially those with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis. Someday maybe!! My life is a little to crazy currently but writing makes me feel so much better. 

Right now my life is in a state of uncertainty and I can honestly tell you I am probably in one of the lowest points of my life... And yet I sit her and keep asking myself why me, poor me?? Yadadadadaca!!! 

This is not me...

I don't ever give up..

Yet why am I giving up now??

I think that I'm very deflated in that fact that I was hoping I would feel better after my 4th bowel obstruction yet I feel worse... I feel the worst I have felt since I was diagnosed 15 years ago. But God only gives you what you can handle right??

Let's hope this is true. I should be so extremely excited because I get to go to Las Vegas and spend time with some amazing people. Many of them who have experienced many of the same things that I have yet I'm missing that excitement and joy. 

Why can't they figure out why I have this constant pain that cripples me daily yet God makes sure I have the smile on my face and continue on like I'm suppose to. I wish there was a pause button that I could push.

Or possible a rewind button to 9 weeks ago before my surgery. Maybe I would have changed my mind.  Maybe I would have felt differently if I would have known how I would feel today. 

Too bad that's not a reality. 

My reality is today. 

And I can't give up!

I have so many great family and friends that support me on a daily basis and many that I probably don't know that are thinking about me. 

As you can see from this picture they are a bunch of amazing people. 

And this crazy guy I call my husband. We have been thru hell and back and yet he continues to stand by me even when I daily say I don't feel good or he has to take vacation days to hang out in the hospital with me. 

I can't imagine how hard it is to be by me sometimes and even worse when there is nothing  he can do to make me feel better 

And finally my parents. Of course I wouldn't be where I am without them and I think vice versa. I have shown them some life lessons that they probably never wanted to know ;) 

And they have shown me what true love is and how to be an amazing parent. 

So even though there is a lot of unknowns currently in my life. I do know that I have all the love and support around me.  

And that I won't  give up! 

And that I will crawl out of this dark hole eventually 

Because I don't like black, I LOVE SPARKLE!